Today I am taking a break from life.     And I am not going to feel guilty about it.

We have all been there.     Overwhelmed with work, family, responsibilities - a "to do" list that seems to grow bigger every time you mark something off as three more things are added.        Running our bodies on empty as we try to accomplish 30 hours worth of work and activities into each 24 hour day.

As women especially, we have an innate desire to handle it all.     Perhaps it is our God-given nature of being nurturers that keeps us focused on everyone around us without thinking even for a moment about ourselves.

I don't know at what point in my life I decided that it was up to me to save the world but I have always taken all the responsibility upon my shoulders with never a moment to ask for help.     I am the strong one (I told myself).      I am the one who can handle this (I can't).      I don't need any help (I do).

I was raised in a household where children were expected to be perfect and my parents offered no help in my pathway to growth.      There was no compassion.    No "I Love You's" in my household.    "Love" was earned by achieving things and acceptance was only given when I did things for them.    Then after a traumatic event in my early teens, I realized very early on that I was on my own as I navigated through this thing called life.       

And so it began.     At a very early age.        Working very hard to "achieve" things in my life while also working very hard to please others (that whole acceptance thing again).          Aspiring to be better is always a good thing.      Doing things for others is always a good thing.      But when you lose yourself in the process - things can go bad quickly.       And they did.    For me.

I was working so hard in my life to gain the favor of others and never disappoint anyone that I lost who I was in the process.     I was trying to handle EVERYTHING that life threw at me - by myself - and it almost cost me my life.      I was sinking fast but I was too afraid to ask for help.    In my warped perception, asking for help was a sign of weakness.     Strong people don't ask for help.     

Oh, but my friend, it is quite the opposite.    Strong people can only remain strong because they DO ask for help.       What I didn't understand then was my body and mind just needed a break sometimes.    But taking a break - for me - meant I couldn't handle the things life was throwing at me and I certainly didn't want to appear weak to anyone (I was - after all - my father's daughter).        So instead of asking for help or understanding - I did the only thing I knew how to do.    I ran away.

Yep.    That's right.     I didn't understand what was happening in my brain.    All I knew is I needed to get away or I would go crazy.      So instead of being rational and explaining to my husband that I needed some time away - I just - well - ran away.      Several times.    Never very far.     Usually just to the lake and always only for a few hours.    Once I had shed some tears and prayed a few prayers, I would pull myself together and go back home much to the relief of my husband.

Now my husband is a very understanding man.     All I would have had to say is I need some time alone and he would have been fine with that.      But asking for time alone somehow meant I could not handle everything in my life right now (again, warped perception).     Taking time for "me" was selfish (it's not).   But these were the thoughts that permeated through my brain and the reasons I spent so much time alone at the lake.   

Fast forward a few years and I have learned - finally - that it is okay to take some time and just recharge.   I have started to listen to my body and my brain and learn the signs when it's time to shut down for a while.     And that's what I do.       Whether that means curling up on the couch and binge watching my favorite shows or taking a girls trip and leaving the laptop at home - I have finally realized what it takes to maintain a healthy balance in my life.

But most importantly - I have started communicating that need to my husband or kids.    I mean, most of the time they already know I need some down time because I usually become quite a witch when I'm feeling overwhelmed but at least finally I am able to communicate that need to them without feeling guilty about it.

So today is a nothing kind of day.      My son and husband went fishing and I had planned to attend a yoga class with my daughter but I cancelled and just stayed home.     And I was honest with her and she understood.      

Today - I woke up feeling drained and exhausted so I listened to my body and just chose to rest.      

And I am still a strong woman because of it.   

So it's been a while since I have written on my blog.     Maybe you missed me.   Maybe you had no idea I was even gone.      Either way, it has been a few months since I have checked in.

​2018 was a year of change for me and I suddenly started losing track of who I was or what my purpose was in life.     We sold our home and moved into a camper as we tried to figure out what we wanted to do with our lives.     While we thought we were improving our lives, we mostly ran in circles.     And during that time of change and reflection, I suddenly lost my voice.      

I have always been a very independent person - never afraid to voice my opinion or share my beliefs.  I grew up in a world where differences were embraced and no one got offended when you shared your opinion.        Now - granted - I do often have issues with (what is the word?) - oh, yes, TACT.     But that is because I simply try to speak the truth and don't believe in candy coating reality or tip toeing around my words.      I created this website as a ray of hope for those in need.       Because when you are in that dark place like I was - you just need the truth.     

But then last year - for whatever reason - some past insecurities began rising up inside of me and I started questioning everything I said or did.      I became fearful of the judgment of the outside world and what they would think of me if they knew the truth of my struggles.      So I shut down.    And I shut up.

And I stayed silent for a long time.       

But then God intervened - as He often does - through the words of a friend who encouraged me to continue sharing my story and not to be afraid.    She told me that if just one person heard my story and was helped - then my job was done.       

And she was right.      I don't know who reads my blog or if this website even helps anyone but for now, I am going to obey the leading in my Spirit and begin to share my testimony again.      

I am a little old fashioned so you might find the things I have to say a little outdated but they are my thoughts and feelings so take them with a grain of salt.

Have you been having trouble lately finding your own voice?     Or have you come to a point in your life where you are seeking your identity?      If so, you are not alone.      I turned 50 last October and I am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.     

Although I don't have my life figured out yet, one thing I do know for sure is I will no longer allow my candle to be blown out.       We all have a fire burning inside of us - we just need to learn how to control it and use it in a positive way.

Don't ever let anyone tell you that your thoughts and opinions do not matter.    Even greater than that, don't ever feel insecure or inadequate just because your opinion is different from someone else's.     Embrace the differences of your fellow neighbor and speak freely as we learn from one another.      

No one person has all the right answers.    And no two people will agree on absolutely everything.    But that is what makes this world so entirely wonderful!      I never get offended when someone believes differently than me or disagrees with what I have to say.        That is how we grow as human beings - we learn from one other.

2019 will be a year of growth for me as I find my voice again.      And I begin to live my truth.

What truth do you need to start living?


 

I have a daughter.     And I have a son.     And the events of this world scare me for the both of them.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the  events transpiring in the media and around the world.        I needed to understand it before I talked about it but the more I studied it, the more I became scared for my children.

As the parent of a strong, independent young woman, I want her voice to be heard.    God forbid something happens to her but if it did - I want her to be able to rise up and speak her truth.   And I want her to be believed.      And not be afraid.

As the parent of a strong, independent young man, I want his voice to be heard as well.    God forbid someone accuse him of doing something so foul - that he did not do - I want him to be able to rise up and speak his truth.    And be believed.   And not be afraid.  

We cannot live in a society where a person’s gender determines his or her believability.    My heart aches thinking that my daughter would experience a traumatic event and not be believed.   And my heart aches thinking my son could be falsely accused but not receive a fair trial simply because of his gender.

We must tread lightly on this subject and try to set emotion aside in the search for the truth.    Men and women alike deserve to have their truths be told and we cannot become a society where people are guilty until proven innocent.           Facts never lie but facts often get lost in the shuffle of emotion.

Now-  before you accuse me of not having empathy for victims of sexual assault, let me assure you that I understand exactly how they feel because I am a victim as well.      A victim at the age of 13.    By a family member.     And my parents did nothing about it.

I understand what it feels like to be the victim.    I understand what it feels like when no one wants to hear your voice.       And I understand what it feels like to be a mom who now wants nothing more than to protect her children.  
          
Instead of hating each other, let’s become a society where our validation comes from understanding each other’s beliefs.    Let’s continuously seek the truth until we find the answers.     Think to yourself: what if this was my daughter or sister?   What if this was my son or brother?      

Parents - raise your children to be strong and independent.    Teach them respect.    Male and female.      There should be no gender bias on respect.       Teach them to ask questions.    Thomas Paine once wrote “question everything, even the existence of God”.         Find your truth.

I am not saying if you are a victim of assault, that you must remain silent.    Quite the contrary.   If the battle is yours, then fight it and never give up hope.        There are so many brave women stepping forward now who must be commended for their strength and perseverance.      Their stories deserve to be heard and we are listening.

I am only cautioning you not to turn this into a witchhunt.     Yes.   I get it.    There are horrible people in this world who do horrible things and for that - they deserve to be punished.     But we cannot conclude that every person is bad because of the actions of a few.

Maybe the fault lies in us as parents.     Are we teaching our young men how to be gentlemen?  How to have respect for women?    How to have respect for themselves?

I don't want my daughter to live in a world where she is scared to leave her home for fear of being harassed by someone.     And I certainly don't want my son to live in a world where he cannot even pay a woman a compliment without fear of repercussions.

Let’s create a world where both our daughters and our sons will feel safe.    And loved.   And believed.     

​“The greatest of these is love”.      Stop the hate.         

In March of this year, my husband and I put our house on the market with the idea to downsize.   Little did I know how much "downsizing" we would actually do.

We spent most of January and February getting the house ready to sell and it officially went on the market on February 21.     We figured since it wasn't spring yet we would have plenty of time to find the land we wanted to build on and get it ready before the house sold.    We were wrong.

February 24 - just 3 days on the market - we received an offer from the first people who came to look!    Not only was the offer within negotiating range but they needed possession within 30 days because they were relocating!    

Well, needless to say, we were excited - and panicked - at the same time!    We have sold enough houses in our lifetime to know that you move when the offer is right.    But we didn't have a place to move to and didn't want to rush into a decision we would later regret.

So - we decided to purchase a camper to live in until we found the land we wanted to build our home on. We found the perfect Fifth Wheel in Kentucky that had two separate bedrooms which worked perfectly since my son lives at home and attends college.      We rented a storage unit for the necessities and then sold or donated everything else.     We had just purchased a flip house on 2 acres so the plan was to move the Fifth Wheel to that property while we renovated it and had time to regroup and rethink our lives.

Although excited for this new opportunity to downsize, living in a 3500 sq ft home and a 41' foot Fifth Wheel are two completely different things.

Here are some lessons I have learned from living in a Fifth Wheel:

1.)   You don't need what you think you need.
            Although I have never been a hoarder (I actually despise clutter) - I did have a lot of things that I thought I needed.     But as I began to go through the house, I realized that most of the "stuff" was just that - stuff.    I took only the things I needed to the camper and put a few totes in storage for later use.   But honestly, I cannot even remember what is in storage so I guess that means I really don't need that either?

2.)    Simple things make you happy.
              We had to park the Fifth Wheel at a campground for the first 6 weeks because the closing on the flip house kept getting delayed by the seller.    We didn't have water hook-up in the 28 day site (the lake view was more important) so showers were taken in the shower houses.   Once we moved to the flip house, we quickly renovated the bathroom so we could shower in the house.    Like I said - it's the simple things.

3.)     All the "bells and whistles" are just bells and whistles
                Living in a Fifth Wheel meant doing laundry at the laundromat which was a 2 hour ordeal not counting the drive time.       I made the boys wear the same clothes two days in a row if they weren't dirty so I could cut the laundromat down to one day a week.     We finally finished renovating the inside of the flip house so I decided to purchase a washer and dryer.     My last washer and dryer had all the "bells and whistles" - so many cycles that I lost count and wrinkle care for the dryer.      To be honest, I don't honestly know half of the stuff it actually did because I never used it.     When it was time to purchase a washer and dryer for the flip house, I just went with the basic affordable model.    No bells and whistles.   Just wash.    And dry.     And I love it!    Best washer and dryer I have ever owned!    Again - it's those simple things that make you happy.

4.)      Experiences are worth more than material things
                  I have never been a materialistic person but have always tried to have nice things.   I make no apologies for that - my husband and I have worked hard all of our lives to provide for our children.  However, some of those "nice things" came through loans or even credit card debt.   What a wonderful relief when we sold our home to be able to pay off all of the credit cards and most of the other debts.   Now our money is spent on trips or experiences with our family.     The freedom has allowed us to take vacations that would otherwise be impossible and the experiences are worth it all.

5.)       Downsizing means -  well - downsizing
                We had sold another home prior to this one in 2015 with the intent back then to "downsize".  But both kids were still living at home so when we purchased again, it was another big house (smaller than the previous one but still big by today's standards).     Once my daughter married and moved out, we realized that we truly did not need the space.       So we sold that house too with the intent - again- to downsize.      And this time we are truly going to do it!     Thanks to the time we have spent living in the Fifth Wheel - I truly understand what "downsizing" really means.      In fact, building our 1200 square foot home will now seem like a luxury after months in a Fifth Wheel camper!

Life is all about perspective and it is often our life experiences that determine our perspective.   My perspective on life has changed greatly since selling our home and living in the Fifth Wheel.     I have realized I want to travel more and buy things less.     I want to take time to read more and clean the house less.      I want to find the joy in everything - no matter how small.

Although my life still remains in limbo right now as we continue to search for the perfect land, one thing will always remain the same:   it's the experiences that make us who we are.

My life is a constant roller coaster but I am thankful for the experiences.     

Life is a journey, after all, so you might as well enjoy the ride!

I was recently having a conversation with my husband about something I had to do but wasn't exactly excited about doing.         I had made a commitment but was beginning to feel like I was being taken advantage of and wasn't happy about it.      My husband agreed with my viewpoint but also stated "most people would probably just do it and not complain" to which I responded "yes - but I know my value and I'm worth more than that".

Did you hear those words?    Let me repeat them.

I KNOW MY VALUE AND I AM WORTH MORE THAN THAT.

Too many times in life we limit ourselves because we think what we have is not special or valuable.    The opposite could not be more true!    Each one of us was created with unique and outstanding abilities - it is up to us to discover those abilities and use them!

And our abilities and talents may not look like anyone else's but they are still ours to claim!    For example, I am a BEAST at 80's Trivia!!    Not exactly a career path but still a talent I can claim for my own!

The world today will tell you that you are nothing if you don't act a certain way, dress a certain way, or speak a certain way.    But GOD sees it differently.     He sees your value.     He sees your worth.    And you ARE WORTHY!!

Remember when you were a little kid and you had so many hopes and dreams?   Nothing seemed impossible to you then.     You were ready to conquer the world.

What changed?     Who told you that you couldn't do it?     When did your VALUE diminish?

You are still the same valuable person whom God created in His image.     That will never change.    What HAS changed is our perception of ourselves.      We have allowed the world around us to dictate who we are and what we can become.     We have lost our value.    Our self worth.

Stop listening to the people who tell you that you CAN"T do it.    Whatever your dream.   Whatever your goals.       Start your plan and do it!

KNOW YOUR VALUE.      YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THAT!



  

The year of 2018 has started with a host of horrible tragedies within our schools that have garnered attention from both sides of the aisle concerning gun control and the safety of our children.

​While I will not debate gun control here,  I will argue that our biggest issue right now is a parenting issue - or more simply - a LACK of parenting issue.     

​Being a parent is the most difficult job on the planet yet it does not require an education nor previous work experience.     There is no handbook for being a parent.        No penalty for missing days.    These precious babies are placed into our care but for a brief few years and if we are lucky enough - we get to see them become strong, successful, independent adults.

​The job of parenthood isn't an easy one and the task should not be undertaken lightly.      It is certainly not a job for the faint of heart.    You will have rough days.    You will argue with your children.    You will become frustrated and maybe a little lost.   

And your children may hate you for a while - if you are lucky.      

​They may hate you because you give them a curfew.

​They may hate you because you limit their video games and introduce them to the great outdoors.

​They may hate you because you ask for names and phone numbers of friends and places they are going.

​They may hate you because you talk to their teachers or even (gasp) chaperone their school dances.

​They may even hate you because you encourage them to put down their social media and actually become social.

​But hear me on this one.     They may hate you for the moment but they will thank you later for saving their lives.

​You see, children's brains are still developing even as a Pre-Teen and Teenager and what they need is a role model - NOT a friend.     You will have plenty of time to be a friend to your children when they are adults.     What they need now is a parent.

​And not a parent who coddles them or entitles them.     They need a parent who allows them to lose so they can learn the value of failure in future successes.       They need a parent who teaches them proper work ethic so our future economic state is secure.    But most importantly - they need a parent who is not afraid to be vulnerable and who can show them they are loved unconditionally.

​When I see stories on the news of these teenage boys committing these monstrous acts, my heart breaks.       My heart breaks for those parents whose children were taken in such a senseless act of cowardice.        Those students did nothing but show up that day and lost their lives because of it.

​But as I continue to read the stories, I begin to ask more questions and find fewer answers.   Where were the parents of these young men who committed these crimes?    What was so bad in their home that they felt this was the only answer?       Were there any signs?    Why were these young men not receiving the emotional support they needed to thrive?    What is the missing link?

​Now I don't know the family life of any of these shooters so I will not comment on them individually.  But what I will say is that I am seeing a total break down of our young people and I personally believe it stems from lack of parenting.   

​Ethics and morals have become an after thought instead of the norm.      Teachers have lost control in their classroom.     Respect has become a four letter word.    

​This young generation is lost and it's up to us to find them.      Children need rules.    Children need discipline.     But beyond that, children need our unconditional love.    They need to know we are present - whether physically or not - and they need to know someone has their back.

​If we do not gain control of our children, who will?    We must start taking our job as parents seriously and stop allowing the electronic devices to be their baby sitters.      Create boundaries for them.   Let them fail on their own.   Let them succeed on their own.    Find out who their friends are and where they are going.    Be present in their lives.       It's okay if they hate you - for just a little while.

And love them.     Let them know they matter.     I am not saying that simply loving these young men who committed these crimes would have made a difference - evil does exist in this world.    But be the parent who makes a difference in your own child's life.      

​When we choose to become parents again - only then will we save our children.        

​

They say change is the spice of life.      It is inevitable.     One thing you can ALWAYS be certain is that nothing will ever stay the same.      Change is good.     It makes us grow as human beings and can bring the greatest challenges but also the greatest rewards.

​And it scares me to death.

​Yes.     I am afraid of change.      Which is actually funny if you think about it because I am constantly changing my job, my appearance and even my residence (moved 20 times in almost 30 years).   

​2017 was a year of change - to say the least.     It started with the death of my grandmother in February - a woman I treasured and a woman who understood me at my core.    She was 93 years old when she passed away and lived a wonderful life.     Her death was not unexpected but still heartbreaking just the same.        She lived over 8 hours away but we spoke several times a month and I was able to visit often during the last few years of her life.      I will write about this wonderful woman and her impact on my life in another blog because right now - we need to get back to discussing change (ugh).

​In June my oldest child and only daughter got married.     The wedding was perfect and she made the most beautiful bride I have ever seen.     I was honored when she asked both me and her father to walk her down the aisle.      I spent most of the first half of 2017 helping to plan the wedding and then it was over in the blink of an eye.    And they were on their way to Hawaii for their Honeymoon.

​The last half of 2017 brought an adjustment period for me.    Even though my daughter had been living away from home for several years,  it just felt different now that she no longer shared my last name.    She still needed me but not in the same way.     She and her new husband are simply perfect together and their ambitions make a mamma proud.     

Then -in the middle of this life adjustment, we decided to get our house ready to sell and downsize.   Now considering that we have literally moved 20 times in our almost 30 years of marriage, you would think this move would not affect me.     You would be wrong.      

​Perhaps it is the uncertainty of where we will be moving or for that matter, what we are even moving into (yes, we have tossed around the idea of an RV) but this change too is having an affect on my psyche.   Oh, I am excited to sell the house and downsize because, well, you know, less housework but I would be happier to know exactly where we were going and what we are doing.

​But maybe that is the point.       Maybe my incessant need to know everything that is going on in my life at all times (and Control it) is the very reason I need these changes.        I have always been a bit of a free spirit which is funny since, as we have learned - I don't like change.

​There were several days (possibly weeks) during the fall of last year that I just didn't feel like I was adjusting to this thing called life.       My kids were growing up.     I wasn't needed the way I used to be and the one woman I could call on for love and support had gone to be with Jesus.       I must admit that I spent more than a few days feeling quite isolated and alone.      Even though I knew I wasn't.

​Now as 2018 is upon us, the changes are still coming strong!    My daughter and her husband have moved to St Louis to pursue their careers;   I moved to a new Real Estate office and our house is going on the market next month.         All this change and it's only January!

​I guess my point to all this rambling is this - change is imminent but it doesn't have to be scary.     There will always be new challenges to face and new hurdles to jump over but isn't that the best part about living anyway?

​I am just going to finally embrace that free spirited Gypsy who can't stay in one place for too long and say to life:    HERE I AM!     BRING IT ON!!

​    

          

Recently, my husband and I celebrated our 29th Wedding Anniversary.      We dated for 4 years prior to getting married so we have been in each other's lives for 33 years!    That's a long time.    Especially by today's standards.

​My husband and I are soul mates.    We have known that since the day we met.    We are complete opposites but together we make the perfect person.       We have had our growing pains over the years but even during the darkest times, we always knew we would be there for each other.    We are in it for the long haul.

​People sometimes act surprised when I tell them I have been married for 29 years like that is worthy of a prize or something.     They ask "what's your secret"?      There is no secret.      I love my husband.   He loves me.     We understand there will be tough times but we made a promise before God to whether the storms together.

​Our marriage isn't perfect but it's perfect to me.      We have our little fights.    We aggravate each other.   But at the end of the day, we know we love each other and everything will work out.      My husband is my biggest fan.

So as I was pondering the marriage question (29 years? Wow?), I started thinking about a recent trip my husband and I had taken to St. Louis.
   
Foreigner and Cheap Trick were playing at an outdoor amphitheater in St. Louis and being children of the 80's  - it was the perfect time for an overnight getaway to celebrate our anniversary.

​This is us - ready for the show to start:

Awe - don't we look happy?    And we were happy.   We had just had a wonderful meal at Dave & Buster's (don't laugh - their Teriyaki steak is amazing) and the rain had stopped just in time for the concert.      We ended up having a wonderful time and the concert was phenomenal!  

​BUT -  this photo almost didn't happen.   Because this entire trip almost didn't happen.     

​You see, my husband and I work together (self-employed) and have for the past 22 years as owners of a construction company.         Most of the time our business relationship works but this one particular time - it didn't.    And it was all because of me.

​We have a few homes that we are renovating for resale and as a Real Estate Agent, I know the dates that are prime to list a home on the market.       My husband and son had been working very hard for many weeks to try to get this one particular home on the market by MY specified date but things just weren't working out that way.      As with any project, there are always delays out of your control that you just must deal with and readjust.    But I am OCD and I had MY DATE to list it so let's just say normal reasoning was not in my brain during this time.

​My husband and son and their crew had been working as hard as they could to get this house ready but it just wasn't happening.       Reality - they had only been working on this house for 3 weeks and had worked long and hard days so I should have been thankful that at this time, it was even close to being ready to sell (SHOULD HAVE being the key words here).

​Was I thankful?     Was I patient?      Not even close.      In fact I was so stuck on the date in my mind to list this house that I became - well - somewhat of a B.      If I am being honest (and I always am), I was downright MEAN to my husband and pretty much anyone in my family who was associated with this house.    

​For two days prior to this picture being taken, I fought with my husband - incessantly.     And if I wasn't fighting with him, I just simply wasn't talking to him.      I told him there was NO WAY we were going to the concert because I wasn't going to pretend to be happy when in fact I wasn't (like, seriously, what the heck??)

​Poor guy had absolutely no idea what was going on and probably - for a few moments anyway - questioned his own sanity for even marrying me.         He thought our relationship was fine - we just couldn't get a house done on schedule (MY schedule, by the way).

​But me being me (drama queen) - our entire 29 year marriage was now completely over because we could not get this house done on time and I was upset because he didn't understand how important (MY) timelines were to me.       Because somehow in my pea little brain, my husband not honoring my timeline to get a house done meant he didn't love me.       It was bad, ya'all.        It hurts to even write this but the truth is always the truth.     

​We were supposed to leave on a Wednesday afternoon but by that morning the house still wasn't done so I told my husband we were NOT going to the concert.      We had been arguing for 3 days and I hadn't talked to him for 1 whole day so how could we just drop everything and go "celebrate" this marriage?

​But then I heard that Still Small Voice  - God's amazing voice of reason started to penetrate through to my very soul.      Now I believe that God has a great sense of humor and I also believe He is very real in how He treats people because the word I kept hearing in my soul was "REALLY?"      "REALLY, TERRI, REALLY"?

​No other words.      Just a gentle jolt back to reality.     So I stepped back - and I shook my head in disbelief.      What in the world was I thinking?     How could I have been so zoned into this one little thing that I allowed it to affect my entire life?        Once I snapped back to a (sort of) normal person, I realized how absolutely stupid I had been and I called my husband.

​Now, at this point, I don't think I actually apologized for my behavior (baby steps) but I did tell him the house would get done later and we needed to take our anniversary trip because we both needed a break.

​And so we did.      We packed a little bag and headed to St Louis for our OUTDOOR concert - and it rained!   Of course it did.        My life had been nothing but rain for the past week so it was quite fitting to have it rain on the ONE TIME I decided to do something right.  

​But guess what?     The rain ended - and God gave us this:

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God brought us a rainbow.     And not ONE - but TWO!     If you look closely, you will see the double rainbow!     

​And that got me thinking - there will always be rain in our lives.     There will always be times when things don't go as planned.     But - if we endure and hold fast - the rainbow will come.     

​​Life is not about being perfect.      Most days we do well just to survive.      But if we can stand strong during the storm, the rainbow will come.

​So I guess that is my advice for anyone asking about the "secret" to a long and happy marriage.    Just love one another.       Stand strong together.     Have patience with one another.     And endure any storms - together.      

​Sometimes the rain will come - but then God will bring the rainbow!

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I love to travel.     I always have.      Just the thought of a "road trip" can get my heart racing and immediately throw me into planning mode.       Trips for me are all about finding my oasis and getting away from the chaos  that is often life.       They are my balancer.     My "mental stabilizer" that keeps life in check.

I have never given much thought to the trips that I take until recently when a colleague mentioned that I took "a lot of vacations".     I was a little surprised by the comment mainly because I didn't think anyone paid much attention to the things that I do.      And secondly, because the "vacations" that she spoke of were mainly just mini getaways or day trips.  

Now, first thing is first, I make no apologies for what I do in my own time and with my own money.    But it got me thinking about how people can form an opinion of someone without truly knowing their entire story.

​All this person saw was that I take a lot of trips and spend a lot of time away from my office.    What she doesn't see is the reason why.

​She doesn't see the years that I spent as a workaholic spending nights and weekends in my office striving to meet the impossible expectations of my clients.      She doesn't see the often 60+ hour work weeks as I barely had time to stop for lunch or dinner.      She doesn't see the evenings that I missed my kids practices or events because I was at the office taking care of something "extremely important".     And she certainly doesn't see when it all came to a screeching halt as I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and almost lost my life.

​No, those are the moments that she certainly doesn't see but moments I would readily share if asked.     You see, I have been there in that dark tunnel trying to scratch my way out believing that my importance was somehow tied to the job that I kept.       I never took sick days.     My vacation days accumulated every year.         

​And for what?       So I could watch my hair start falling out because of the added stress of the job?   So I could miss out on some important moments in my kids life where they really wanted mom to be there to watch them?     So I could end up at that cemetery fighting the darkness planning how to take my own life?

​It suddenly became very clear - when faced with life or death - that none of this was worth it.     The only thing important in my life is my God and my family and everything else can follow behind.     I had to stop.      Or I would die.

​So I made a change.     As I learned more about this condition of clinical depression, I learned coping skills and one of those coping skills is knowing when to rest.     And as someone with a Type A personality, learning to rest doesn't come easily.      But I had to do it if I was going to save my life.    

​I learned very quickly that trying to take a few hours off here and there just didn't work for me because I always found something that needed to be done at home.     I needed to "go away" in order to truly find the rest.      And my trips are certainly not extravagant.     A day trip to a water park.     A weekend with my girlfriends at a cabin in the woods.    A concert with my husband.     Or a mother/daughter beach visit.   

​But each trip brings back my stability - they are my much needed "mental health days".    I have to have them and I make no excuses for them.       I still work hard but I have found a balance that keeps me sane and away from the darkness that once engulfed my life.

And just remember,  before you start to assume anything about someone - make sure you know the full story first.  I never cast judgment on anyone's life because I don't know the battle they have fought just to get where they are.    

​Love always wins, my friends.       Now off to plan my next adventure.......
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I want to talk about this picture.      Tell me what you see.

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I see my son, me, my daughter and my son-in-law enjoying a much needed family day with my husband (who was taking the picture) at a local water park.      We had been working hard for many days, weeks and months and this day was a time to relax and enjoy being together.     No work schedules.     No appointments.     Just a day to relax and enjoy each other's company.

​That is what I see - today.      But not too long ago, I would have seen something completely different.  

​Not too long ago,  I most likely would not have taken this picture and I certainly would not have shared it with anyone.  

​You see, not too long ago, I was overwhelmed with insecurities and self loathing that carried through to every aspect of my life.       I grew up believing that in order to have any self worth, I needed to achieve perfection or at least always "appear" to be perfect.        Growing up, love in my family was shown by what I could achieve.     If I got a good grade, I received praise.     If I won a track race, I might make my dad proud.         Love was never freely given - it was always earned.

​So I grew up believing that I needed to be perfect in order to be loved.      I was never loved unconditionally  (until I met my husband).     As a child,   I was never told that it was okay to just be me.       So I spent a large part of my adult life trying to achieve that perfection - hoping even as an adult to somehow win the love of my parents.

​I created this "persona" of who I thought I needed to be in order to be loved.     And that person had to always be perfect  (at least on the outside because the good Lord knows I was dying inside).   I would spend hours getting ready to go to even simple family events because I needed people to admire me and love me.      I yearned for other people's  approval and I thought that could only be attained if I looked and acted a certain way.          And once I started venturing onto the pageant stage, heaven forbid I show up anywhere without being dressed to the nine (whatever that means)!

​I spent years in the endless cycle of trying to be perfect while feeling so imperfect on the inside.     I needed the world to see me as strong because somehow that meant I was worth something.     And it wasn't until I almost lost my life that I finally found myself.

​You see, once I was faced with the fact that I could either stand up and overcome or lay down and die, I decided that loving myself was not such a tough thing to do after all.    I can't tell you when I finally decided that it was okay to just be me.      It has taken a long time and I still struggle with insecurities.

​Not too long ago, I would not have posed for the picture you see above and certainly would not have shared it on line.      Not too long ago, I would have only seen the messed up hair, squinted eyes and no make-up.      And not too long ago, I would have cried for days over the weight I have gained and loss of my once thin stomach.        Those are the things I would have seen - not too long ago.

​And although I would like to say that I am completely free of the insecurities that have plagued me my entire life, I can at this point only tell you that I am a work in progress and God still has His hand on me. 

​But for today - just for today - I am comfortable sharing this photo with the world not because I need affirmation of who I am but because I need affirmation that I am not who I once used to be.     

​I do not look perfect in this picture - but this picture couldn't be more perfect to me.     I have finally begun to understand that God made each of us perfectly imperfect and it's those little quirks that make us so unique.      I have big eyes but an even bigger mouth so my eyes squint when I smile.   I am German and pale skinned which means I will never be tan no matter how hard I try.      I am German (I just said that but it bears repeating) so I am curvy and no matter how hard I try, the booty isn't going anywhere.       

​I will never look like the women in the magazines and guess what?   That's okay.    That is finally okay.   I am okay if you look at this picture and think my skin is too pale, or my stomach is too flabby or my face is too round.    

​Because what I see when I look at this picture is a mom who is so proud of her children and the adults they have become.     Confident in who they are and knowing they are loved - unconditionally.   No.  Matter.  What.

​And THAT is the true brilliance of this photo.