I love to travel.     I always have.      Just the thought of a "road trip" can get my heart racing and immediately throw me into planning mode.       Trips for me are all about finding my oasis and getting away from the chaos  that is often life.       They are my balancer.     My "mental stabilizer" that keeps life in check.

I have never given much thought to the trips that I take until recently when a colleague mentioned that I took "a lot of vacations".     I was a little surprised by the comment mainly because I didn't think anyone paid much attention to the things that I do.      And secondly, because the "vacations" that she spoke of were mainly just mini getaways or day trips.  

Now, first thing is first, I make no apologies for what I do in my own time and with my own money.    But it got me thinking about how people can form an opinion of someone without truly knowing their entire story.

​All this person saw was that I take a lot of trips and spend a lot of time away from my office.    What she doesn't see is the reason why.

​She doesn't see the years that I spent as a workaholic spending nights and weekends in my office striving to meet the impossible expectations of my clients.      She doesn't see the often 60+ hour work weeks as I barely had time to stop for lunch or dinner.      She doesn't see the evenings that I missed my kids practices or events because I was at the office taking care of something "extremely important".     And she certainly doesn't see when it all came to a screeching halt as I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and almost lost my life.

​No, those are the moments that she certainly doesn't see but moments I would readily share if asked.     You see, I have been there in that dark tunnel trying to scratch my way out believing that my importance was somehow tied to the job that I kept.       I never took sick days.     My vacation days accumulated every year.         

​And for what?       So I could watch my hair start falling out because of the added stress of the job?   So I could miss out on some important moments in my kids life where they really wanted mom to be there to watch them?     So I could end up at that cemetery fighting the darkness planning how to take my own life?

​It suddenly became very clear - when faced with life or death - that none of this was worth it.     The only thing important in my life is my God and my family and everything else can follow behind.     I had to stop.      Or I would die.

​So I made a change.     As I learned more about this condition of clinical depression, I learned coping skills and one of those coping skills is knowing when to rest.     And as someone with a Type A personality, learning to rest doesn't come easily.      But I had to do it if I was going to save my life.    

​I learned very quickly that trying to take a few hours off here and there just didn't work for me because I always found something that needed to be done at home.     I needed to "go away" in order to truly find the rest.      And my trips are certainly not extravagant.     A day trip to a water park.     A weekend with my girlfriends at a cabin in the woods.    A concert with my husband.     Or a mother/daughter beach visit.   

​But each trip brings back my stability - they are my much needed "mental health days".    I have to have them and I make no excuses for them.       I still work hard but I have found a balance that keeps me sane and away from the darkness that once engulfed my life.

And just remember,  before you start to assume anything about someone - make sure you know the full story first.  I never cast judgment on anyone's life because I don't know the battle they have fought just to get where they are.    

​Love always wins, my friends.       Now off to plan my next adventure.......
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I want to talk about this picture.      Tell me what you see.

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I see my son, me, my daughter and my son-in-law enjoying a much needed family day with my husband (who was taking the picture) at a local water park.      We had been working hard for many days, weeks and months and this day was a time to relax and enjoy being together.     No work schedules.     No appointments.     Just a day to relax and enjoy each other's company.

​That is what I see - today.      But not too long ago, I would have seen something completely different.  

​Not too long ago,  I most likely would not have taken this picture and I certainly would not have shared it with anyone.  

​You see, not too long ago, I was overwhelmed with insecurities and self loathing that carried through to every aspect of my life.       I grew up believing that in order to have any self worth, I needed to achieve perfection or at least always "appear" to be perfect.        Growing up, love in my family was shown by what I could achieve.     If I got a good grade, I received praise.     If I won a track race, I might make my dad proud.         Love was never freely given - it was always earned.

​So I grew up believing that I needed to be perfect in order to be loved.      I was never loved unconditionally  (until I met my husband).     As a child,   I was never told that it was okay to just be me.       So I spent a large part of my adult life trying to achieve that perfection - hoping even as an adult to somehow win the love of my parents.

​I created this "persona" of who I thought I needed to be in order to be loved.     And that person had to always be perfect  (at least on the outside because the good Lord knows I was dying inside).   I would spend hours getting ready to go to even simple family events because I needed people to admire me and love me.      I yearned for other people's  approval and I thought that could only be attained if I looked and acted a certain way.          And once I started venturing onto the pageant stage, heaven forbid I show up anywhere without being dressed to the nine (whatever that means)!

​I spent years in the endless cycle of trying to be perfect while feeling so imperfect on the inside.     I needed the world to see me as strong because somehow that meant I was worth something.     And it wasn't until I almost lost my life that I finally found myself.

​You see, once I was faced with the fact that I could either stand up and overcome or lay down and die, I decided that loving myself was not such a tough thing to do after all.    I can't tell you when I finally decided that it was okay to just be me.      It has taken a long time and I still struggle with insecurities.

​Not too long ago, I would not have posed for the picture you see above and certainly would not have shared it on line.      Not too long ago, I would have only seen the messed up hair, squinted eyes and no make-up.      And not too long ago, I would have cried for days over the weight I have gained and loss of my once thin stomach.        Those are the things I would have seen - not too long ago.

​And although I would like to say that I am completely free of the insecurities that have plagued me my entire life, I can at this point only tell you that I am a work in progress and God still has His hand on me. 

​But for today - just for today - I am comfortable sharing this photo with the world not because I need affirmation of who I am but because I need affirmation that I am not who I once used to be.     

​I do not look perfect in this picture - but this picture couldn't be more perfect to me.     I have finally begun to understand that God made each of us perfectly imperfect and it's those little quirks that make us so unique.      I have big eyes but an even bigger mouth so my eyes squint when I smile.   I am German and pale skinned which means I will never be tan no matter how hard I try.      I am German (I just said that but it bears repeating) so I am curvy and no matter how hard I try, the booty isn't going anywhere.       

​I will never look like the women in the magazines and guess what?   That's okay.    That is finally okay.   I am okay if you look at this picture and think my skin is too pale, or my stomach is too flabby or my face is too round.    

​Because what I see when I look at this picture is a mom who is so proud of her children and the adults they have become.     Confident in who they are and knowing they are loved - unconditionally.   No.  Matter.  What.

​And THAT is the true brilliance of this photo.