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My Story - My Life

This is a place for me to share my story.
Open.   Honest.    Not politically correct.
I am a Christian.   I will talk about God.

Not Too Long Ago.....

7/16/2017

1 Comment

 
I want to talk about this picture.      Tell me what you see.

​
Picture
I see my son, me, my daughter and my son-in-law enjoying a much needed family day with my husband (who was taking the picture) at a local water park.      We had been working hard for many days, weeks and months and this day was a time to relax and enjoy being together.     No work schedules.     No appointments.     Just a day to relax and enjoy each other's company.

​That is what I see - today.      But not too long ago, I would have seen something completely different.  

​Not too long ago,  I most likely would not have taken this picture and I certainly would not have shared it with anyone.  

​You see, not too long ago, I was overwhelmed with insecurities and self loathing that carried through to every aspect of my life.       I grew up believing that in order to have any self worth, I needed to achieve perfection or at least always "appear" to be perfect.        Growing up, love in my family was shown by what I could achieve.     If I got a good grade, I received praise.     If I won a track race, I might make my dad proud.         Love was never freely given - it was always earned.

​So I grew up believing that I needed to be perfect in order to be loved.      I was never loved unconditionally  (until I met my husband).     As a child,   I was never told that it was okay to just be me.       So I spent a large part of my adult life trying to achieve that perfection - hoping even as an adult to somehow win the love of my parents.

​I created this "persona" of who I thought I needed to be in order to be loved.     And that person had to always be perfect  (at least on the outside because the good Lord knows I was dying inside).   I would spend hours getting ready to go to even simple family events because I needed people to admire me and love me.      I yearned for other people's  approval and I thought that could only be attained if I looked and acted a certain way.          And once I started venturing onto the pageant stage, heaven forbid I show up anywhere without being dressed to the nine (whatever that means)!

​I spent years in the endless cycle of trying to be perfect while feeling so imperfect on the inside.     I needed the world to see me as strong because somehow that meant I was worth something.     And it wasn't until I almost lost my life that I finally found myself.

​You see, once I was faced with the fact that I could either stand up and overcome or lay down and die, I decided that loving myself was not such a tough thing to do after all.    I can't tell you when I finally decided that it was okay to just be me.      It has taken a long time and I still struggle with insecurities.

​Not too long ago, I would not have posed for the picture you see above and certainly would not have shared it on line.      Not too long ago, I would have only seen the messed up hair, squinted eyes and no make-up.      And not too long ago, I would have cried for days over the weight I have gained and loss of my once thin stomach.        Those are the things I would have seen - not too long ago.

​And although I would like to say that I am completely free of the insecurities that have plagued me my entire life, I can at this point only tell you that I am a work in progress and God still has His hand on me. 

​But for today - just for today - I am comfortable sharing this photo with the world not because I need affirmation of who I am but because I need affirmation that I am not who I once used to be.     

​I do not look perfect in this picture - but this picture couldn't be more perfect to me.     I have finally begun to understand that God made each of us perfectly imperfect and it's those little quirks that make us so unique.      I have big eyes but an even bigger mouth so my eyes squint when I smile.   I am German and pale skinned which means I will never be tan no matter how hard I try.      I am German (I just said that but it bears repeating) so I am curvy and no matter how hard I try, the booty isn't going anywhere.       

​I will never look like the women in the magazines and guess what?   That's okay.    That is finally okay.   I am okay if you look at this picture and think my skin is too pale, or my stomach is too flabby or my face is too round.    

​Because what I see when I look at this picture is a mom who is so proud of her children and the adults they have become.     Confident in who they are and knowing they are loved - unconditionally.   No.  Matter.  What.

​And THAT is the true brilliance of this photo.     
1 Comment
Paula
7/16/2017 08:54:31 pm

Terri,
What I see is a woman who's got her priorities right. A mom who's taught her kids the most important lesson in life: love wins. You are smart. You are brave. You are beautiful. ❤️💋

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    I hope you enjoy my ramblings about life.  I promise to always be honest.    No pride here.

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