All I ever wanted to be was a mom.

More important than any other career aspiration in my life - the one thing I knew for sure is that I wanted to become a mom.    

I loved everything about being a mom.
I loved being pregnant.
I loved nursing my babies.
I loved watching them grow and experience life through excited eyes.

I wanted to give my children everything that I did not receive as a child.
Unconditional love.
Neverending support.
And a safe environment to grow and prosper.

Was I a perfect mom?
Goodness no.
But none of us are - we do the best we can with each moment that is presented to us.

My dad passed away in 2004 at the tender age of 60 and I was thrown into a deep depression.
My undiagnosed mental health condition caused some chaos in my life and the life of my husband and children.
There were some shaky moments during a three year period before my diagnosis.

I struggled.     I screamed.    I cried.
But I always showed up for my children.
Because the most important thing in my life has always been to show up for my babies.

It was only by the Grace of God that I was able to come through.
I was there at every event - every school function - every sporting event.   
I missed nothing.   
My children knew they were loved and supported.
Always.

Were those years tough?
Absolutely.
I will never deny the stress I caused my children during that time when I was dealing with the death of my father and an undiagnosed mental health condition.
And I have apologized to both of my children - on numerous occasions - for the pain I caused them during that time.

If I could change those moments - I would.
In a heartbeat.
But I can't.
I can only continue to love my children unconditionally and be that unfaltering support when they need it.

Unconditional love is something I never learned from my parents.
I had a childhood that lacked support, love and protection.
But I am not living in my childhood anymore.
I have forgiven my mom for the things from the past and base our relationship now on how she reacts to me as an adult.

Now as the mom to two absolutely amazing ADULT human beings - I find myself navigating this "momhood" in so many different ways.

I still want to protect my daughter and son but I know they need to make their own mistakes.
It's how we learn.
It's how we grow.

But honestly there are times when I just want to wrap my arms around both of them and hide them from the world.      Protect them - shield them.

I think I will always be that way.
My daughter just turned 30 and my son turned 28 but I will always call them my babies.

Because being a mom is all I ever wanted to be.
And it is the greatest accomplishment in my life!

So happy (very belated) Mother's Day to all the women who are the protectors, the fighters and the lovers.

You are seen.
You are loved.
And your job is the most important job in the entire world!

I know.   I know.

Christmas is over and the New Year has started so why did I title this blog post - "Tis the Season"?

Well - I live in the Midwest and it is currently 6 degrees outside with a wind chill of  -2 (that is NEGATIVE 2)

It gets dark at 4:30pm at which time I want to immediately put on my PJ's and not move from my couch.
Once I get home from work - it is almost impossible to get myself to go back out.
The days are cloudy and dreary and the nights are dark and cold.

The other morning I was sitting on the couch next to the window and when the sun did manage to pop out (for a brief moment)  - I felt like a plant growing toward the sun.     I almost fell off the couch trying to position myself into the sunlight.

And thus it hit me -    'Tis the Season for Seasonal Depression.

Don't let anyone tell you that Seasonal Depression is not real.
It is very real and it can be debilitating at times.

Our bodies are meant for sunshine.
Our very immune systems depend on Vitamin D to thrive.

Some of the symptoms of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) include:

*  Feeling sluggish or agitated (if you aren't sure - ask your spouse)  
*  Having low energy
*  Feeling hopeless or worthless
*  Having difficulty concentrating 
*  Sleeping a lot
*  Eating a lot (especially those carbs)
*  Gaining weight
*  Not wanting to attend social events

Most of these symptoms can also be related to depression but if this is something you don't normally deal with and its new to you - let's talk about some things that work for me.

      Exercise - YUCK!!    That dreaded word!   I know - I know.   The LAST thing you want to do when you feel sluggish or tired is get up and exercise!   I get it!    I LOVE to dance and was a Zumba instructor for a few years.    I attend a Shine Dance Fitness now twice a week and let me tell you - last night it was -10 and i did NOT want to leave the comfort of my home but I did!   And boy was I happy I did.    I felt so much better!    But you don't have to attend a class - just walk on a treadmill for 30 minutes a day.   Or watch a You Tube video with your favorite exercise routine that you can do in the comfort (and warmth) of your own home.     TRUST ME -  It will help!

        Proper Nutrition -  Notice I did NOT use the word "diet" here.    It is all about proper nutrition and getting the food that your body needs.     When dealing with depression - soda and carbs are NOT your friend.     Its a double edged sword because when I get depressed - I CRAVE my comfort foods of Pepsi and cupcakes but those are the foods I need to avoid the most.      Now they are good in moderation but I never learned moderation - when I say I can literally eat a 6 pack of cupcakes in one sitting - I am not kidding!      So just try to cut out some of the carbs and eat more protein and drink more water.

          Get Out of the House - this is a big one!!   The LAST thing I want to do when its cold and dreary outside is get out of my nice cozy house.       But I have found such joy even in planning a quick lunch with a friend or grabbing a movie with my family.       If money is tight (as it is for most of us right now) - just plan a visit at a friends house or go walk the mall for a while.    Just get out and do something!  Anything!

            Try to Get Sunshine -    I know this is impossible in some areas but when the sun DOES come out - get outside and soak it up!    Talk to your doctor about starting a Vitamin D regimen as well.   This can help put that nutrient back into your body during these long winter months.

             Pick Up A New Hobby -   Take this time spent indoors to discover a new hobby.   Maybe finish a book you have been trying to read.    Learn to paint.   Or crochet.    Whatever it is that you love to do - start doing it!    Keep your mind busy -  even if it is just researching great beach destinations for next winter when it gets cold again!  

              AND  #1 -  TALK TO SOMEONE -  if you are feeling a little "off" - please don't keep it to yourself. 
               There are so many people who are dealing with exactly what you are dealing with and they 
               want to help!

Spring is only 63 days away but who is counting!

​Love and light my darlings!
           

Happy New Year!

I spent most of 2023 trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life and now that it is 2024 - I still have absolutely no idea.

I turned 55 in 2023.
I finally settled down into my "forever" home after moving over 25+ times in my 35 years of  marriage.
My son and daughter are healthy thriving adults who don't need me the way they used to when they were little.

So now I am faced with the proverbial question - now what?

I don't know if its the way I was raised or just my Type A personality but I always have the need to be "doing something".      

I will freely admit that sometimes that something was simply "busy" work and meant absolutely nothing but to me (at the time) - it meant I was doing something.

I don't deal well with idle time.
I am the first to admit that I have been a chronic workaholic but it truly was never about the money (although paying the bills is always nice).

For me - work meant I was worth something.
Work meant I was a productive member of society and gave me a sense of importance within my tiny insecure brain.

But I never let work interfere with my family or my job as a mom.

From the time I was little - all I wanted to be was a mom.
Perhaps because my mom was not a loving or nurturing person - I wanted to break that cycle and provide the kind of childhood to my children that I had only dreamed about.

I was always blessed with jobs that allowed me to work on my own schedule so I could be there when my kids needed me.

I was at every ball game.
I was at every school function.
I was President of the PTO.
I was President of the Booster Club.

My schedule was never my own and I was perfectly fine with that.
When I would get stressed out from all of it -  older parents would tell me to enjoy every moment because it would all be over in the blink of an eye.

And they were right.
I spent 24 years of my life chasing my two children around from grade school to high school and through college.
And then  - it was done.

In the blink of an eye - my babies who I had prayed for and yearned for were suddenly adults and living their own great lives.

Which brings me back to my original question - now what?

I remember when they were little and I was feeling lost and overwhelmed - I would say "I cannot wait until they are grown and out of the house so I can finally have some time to myself".

Now I have all the time in the world...........and I have absolutely NO IDEA what to do with myself!

For so many years I was Momma Karch to my kids friends.
Our house was "THE" house where all the kids would gather and just chill.
I never felt quite like an adult myself so I loved to just chill with the kids and allow them the freedom to just be themselves.

I loved being a mom to my kids and to their friends if they needed me.
I think I wrapped my entire identity in being the mom that my mom could never be. 

I wasn't perfect -  no parent is.
But my kids knew they were loved.
And they knew I would move Heaven and Earth to help them if they needed me.

So now what?

I finally have all of that time that I often wished for when they were kids but i cannot seem to get motivated to make any changes.

That is never more evident than the fact that I posted NOTHING on this blog in 2023.  

My passion is writing.
I have a strong desire to help others and share my story in a very open and honest way.

I needed someone in my life when I was dealing with my darkest moments to tell me it was going to be okay and I was not alone. 
I want to be that someone to someone else who is suffering right now.

But the truth is my extreme insecurity has stopped me from sharing most of what I am feeling.

And then there are the feelings of guilt.
As a mom - should I be entitled to my own life?
What if my kids need me and I am not there?

I mean, I am 55 years old and my kids are grown adults.
But I invested my entire life into being the mom they needed - how can I just let that go?

I know what I am supposed to be doing - its getting the motivation to make it happen that seems to stop me.

And the constant fear of failure.

I was never allowed to experience failure when I was a child.
Love was only shown when I achieved something so I learned very early in life that failure was never an option.

How ridiculous is that?
Where would we be if Benjamin Franklin had given up on his first attempt?

EVERY success story has a story of failed attempts as well.
Even science works on the premises of DISPROVING a hypothesis.

So as we enter 2024 - I am not setting any "Resolutions".

I have no idea where life is going to take me.

I just know it is time to overcome my fear and step out on faith.

So what if I fail?

Not trying is certainly not helping my mental health at this time.

My life has become stagnant and luke warm.
And we all know what the Bible has to say about being luke warm.

Call it a mid life crisis but I feel it is more about figuring out how to navigate this new stage of my life.

I love my life.
I love my babies.
I love my husband.

Now I just need to learn to love me.      
​

I have had an overwhelming sense of sadness lately and I haven't been able to quite put my finger on it.  Now sadness isn't new to me - as someone who deals with a mental health condition, feelings of melancholy can often be a constant companion.

No - these feelings were different.       These feelings were more than just sadness.    It's as if something was missing.      As if, although I stand here living and breathing, as if - life itself - was somehow missing.

And then it hit me.      I was missing.....well.....everything.

I miss planning a trip without the fear it will somehow be cancelled.
I miss seeing the smiles on peoples faces that are now often hidden.
I miss dining in a restaurant where everyone is treated the same.
And concerts.    Oh, how I miss concerts.    

But even deeper than that - I miss who we once were.

I miss comedians who could make fun of EVERYONE and EVERYONE would laugh
I miss movies when they were just movies and we could escape from reality for just a little while
I miss watching the news when they reported just the facts and we were allowed to form our own opinions
I miss being able to HAVE my own opinion
I miss neighbors helping neighbors
I miss kids playing outside
I miss families eating dinner together at the kitchen table
I miss standing for the flag
I miss men being able to open doors for women or call them beautiful
I miss politicians who served We the People instead of We the Lobbyists
I miss honest conversations with other people who share beliefs different from mine
I miss common sense
I miss when we had respect for one another
I miss when we loved our country
I miss when we loved our God
I miss quiet moments away from the social chaos
I miss personal connections
I miss empathy and compassion
I miss teachers who teach children to be leaders and not followers
I miss parents who do the same
I miss doctors who are driven by their oath and not their pocketbook
I miss actors who just act
I miss singers who just entertain

But more than anything - I just MISS basic humanity.
People are inherently good  - stop listening to the very small number who say otherwise

We can do better.
We HAVE to do better.
It's not too late.

Our future depends on it!

I was reminded today of a time before my dad died that still haunts my memory.

My dad passed away in 2004 and he had probably been sick for 6-7 years prior to that with Cushings Disease, diabetes and what we later learned to be lung cancer.      My dad was a prideful man.    We only learned bits and pieces of his illness because he had sworn his doctors to secrecy.    In fact, I only learned of his cancer diagnosis on the day he was removed from life support when the chaplain said a prayer with me but that's a story for another day.

This particular day was a bright sunny day during the summer months when my kids were young.  We were getting ready to list our home and had been needing to stain the back deck for some time.   My husband and I both worked full time jobs so finding the time to complete odd jobs around the house wasn't easy.    

So this particular day we awoke early and gathered all of our supplies to get the back deck stained.   We were on a deadline to get the house listed so this deck had to get stained TODAY!!    We had just started on the staining of the deck when I heard a car pull into the driveway.    Strange - I thought.   I wasn't expecting anyone today because, you know, we were busy staining the back deck.    And noone had called to say they needed to stop by because - again - I would have told them we were busy staining the back deck.

Not wanting to stop with my mission of getting this deck stained, I hollered "around back" to whomever had pulled in thinking it was most likely a delivery person and we could get this done rather quickly so I could get back to the task at hand.

I looked up just in time to see two individuals turning the corner of my house.    It was my mom and dad.  Now my first thought should have been how odd it was for them to show up unannounced but I was so busy concentrating on that deck that I didn't give it another thought.

In fact, I didn't think at all.    I just went with my first instinct which was frustration over the fact that they didn't call first AND I was staining a deck!     I didn't stop what I was doing.    Nope.    If they didn't have the decency to call first and let me know they were coming over, then I certainly wasn't going to stop what I was doing and have a visit with them.     

And I told them that (told ya I wasn't thinking at all).     I told them I was extremely busy staining this deck and had absolutely no time to visit with them.     A simple phone call would have saved them a trip.    I told them it was probably best to go back home and we could make a time to visit later.

But they didn't go home.     Nope.     My dad grabbed a few chairs from his car and plopped them down right in front of that deck.     And there they sat.    Watching us stain the back deck.

I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I was furious in that moment.   How could they have no respect for MY TIME on the ONLY DAY I had available to stain this back deck?    I didn't have time to visit with them.  In fact, they were disruptive to my routine.    

But none of that mattered to them.    And so they stayed.    And watched us for an entire afternoon as we stained the back deck.       And I fumed under my breath for this extreme inconvenience to my time.

Why am I sharing this with you?    Well, besides the OBVIOUS reason of admitting what a selfish idiot I could be in my younger days (not gonna lie - still struggle sometimes).     

I am sharing this with you because I believe it was in that moment that my father first realized that he was going to die.  And all he wanted to do was spend some time with his daughter and his grandchildren.       

But my father was prideful, remember?    He couldn't share that information with me because in his eyes that would make him look weak.      He also did not want to chance being told no to the visit had he called ahead to let me know he wanted to come over.

So he just drove over.   And watched me stain a deck.

I am reminded of that day so many times in my life.    All my dad wanted was a few moments with his family.     But I was too busy to allow that to happen.       I guess it was a good thing he was so stubborn because those moments he stole from my day have now become one of my most cherished (yet painful) memories.

I would give anything right now to have him sit in his lawn chair and watch me do anything.    Stain a deck.  Do the laundry.    Clean the yard.     I wouldn't care.     I had no idea in that moment how much that day would come to mean to me.

Since his death, I have had to deal with a lot of emotions and grief was only the beginning.    The regret and anger filled my head so hard that I felt my head was going to explode.   I felt such sadness remembering that day for so long because I was selfish.    And childish.     And I was only thinking about me and never once considered what my dad was feeling.   Or thinking.    

In that moment, he knew his days were numbered.   He was facing his own mortality and he hadn't even turned 59 yet.

I still get emotional when I think about that day and although it gets easier as time goes by, I still cannot stop the regret that often fills my head.     

The world would not have come to an end if I had chosen to stop what I was doing and take the time to visit with my dad.     He was dealing with a lot of emotions during that time and maybe this was a release from reality for him for just a little bit.

It is never easy dealing with loved ones and it can be especially difficult to deal with parents.    My dad never wanted to show that he was weak.   He always needed to be the man in control.   He didn't share his emotions very well but in that one moment when he grabbed his lawn chair and just watched us work,  I think - in his way - he was letting me know he cared.     He wanted me to know that he was vested in me even in the smallest events.

It was never about watching me stain the deck.    He just wanted to spend time with me.    Would I have reacted differently had I known at the time that he was dying?   Probably.  And that's exactly why he didn't tell me.     My dad always said "don't bring me flowers when I'm dead if you didn't bring them when I was alive".      I think he had the same philosophy on this occasion as well. 

Life is short.
We never know what day will be our last.
Love with your full heart. 
Live with no regret!

And when someone pulls up a chair to watch you work, take the time to understand that it was never about staining the deck!       

I was having a conversation with a woman the other day who understood my strong faith in God.  She knew my history.   She knew my story.

We were discussing faith and prayer.    I was sharing my belief in God and my relationship with our Savior Jesus Christ just as I had shared with her on so many occasions in the past.

Suddenly she looked at me and said "I don't believe in organized religion".     Now I don't know if she was trying to get me to shut up (because quite frankly I do tend to talk a lot) or if she was just in the mood to start an argument.     But I am fairly certain the answer I gave her was not quite what she expected.

My response was quick and simple.    "Good - neither do I"

I am a child of God.    A born again Christian faithful to the word of God.  

Yet I despise "organized religion".    Okay.   Maybe "despise" is too harsh a term but you get my point.

"Organized religion" is what gives Christians a bad name.
"Organized religion" has divided more people than it has brought together.
And more wars have been started in the name of "Organized religion" than I care to count.

 Now before any religious zealots begin to call me blasphemous - allow me to explain.

I believe the Bible to be true.     I believe that Jesus walked this Earth in human form and I believe there is a God in Heaven who we will all answer to when we die.

But I also believe there are individuals on this Earth who seek their own gratification in the name of Jesus Christ and this is especially true when we discuss women in the church (oh, yes, we are going there).

I find it interesting that some churches still to this day do not allow women to preach.   Some do not even allow them to speak at all.       Yet if those same church leaders studied the Bible at all (as they profess to do) they would read countless accounts where Jesus used ......what for it.......WOMEN.... to help spread the gospel.         

Since the dawn of time and certainly since the Bible was written,  individuals have twisted the word of God to suit their own greedy ambitions.       Jesus walked among lepers and prostitutes yet churches shut their doors to those individuals truly in need.       Jesus treated men and women EQUALLY yet churches still shut out women who have been anointed to preach the Gospel.

I.  Do.  Not.   Care.  About.   Religion.

But I do care about having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.    Can we just set aside the whole "religiousity" thing for a minute and just talk about Jesus?     Can we talk about being in the depths of depression and feeling His loving arms wrapped around me during my darkest hours?   Can we talk about being a young girl of 13 who had just been molested by my great-grandfather and seeing the presence of Jesus at my bedside as I begged to die?     

Those aren't images of religion.    Religion didn't stop me from committing suicide (twice).    Religion didn't save my life.     But my personal relationship with Jesus Christ did.    

Can I just tell you right now that if you are struggling with "religion" - it's okay.     Know what else?  It's even okay to question God and the Bible.     God has big shoulders (they span the entire universe) - He can handle your questions.    In fact, I believe He welcomes your questions.

Don't let the sins of man stop you from having a relationship with Jesus Christ.    He will find you exactly where you are.      He has found me in my car.    At my bedside.   Even at my father's grave.   And every single time - He has never asked what religion I practice.     He just held me.   And loved me.    And let me know that everything was going to be okay.  

There will always be people in this world who will let you down.   Sometimes they are even the people closest to you.     But Jesus will NEVER let you down.   

So when I tell you that I am a Christian - please don't call me religious.    Because "religion" is what got Jesus crucified in the first place.

I am a Child of God.    A Lover of people.     ALL PEOPLE.    

We are all struggling with our faith right now and that is okay.    God understands.   He is a big God. 
Take your doubts and struggles to Him.    Scream at Him if you like.     I know I have.    I have questioned God's intentions so many times and convinced myself on numerous occasions that MY WAY was certainly the better way.   (SPOILER ALERT - IT WAS NOT).   

There is No perfect Christian.    There is No perfect religion.      There are just children of God working to do the best that we  can.    And sometimes the best we can do is simply pray.     If you don't know how to pray - start by talking to God.      He welcomes your thoughts and your fears.    You don't even have to speak in complete sentences.    There have been many times when my prayers sounded more like indistinct chatter but God knew my heart.    And He knew what I needed.

If you are struggling in your faith right now, it's okay.    God sees you.    And He will be ready for you when you are.    He will meet you right where you are.     All you have to do is ask.

As we enter into a new phase of this pandemic, I would like to ask a favor of all my friends.

When you see someone posting with joy and excitement that the mask mandates have been lifted or the social distancing has been removed or capacity is at 100% - please refrain from posting a negative comment reminding them of all the people who have died or accusing them of being selfish or uncaring.

Unless you have been living under a rock for the past year - we are all very much aware of the lives lost to this pandemic or the long term effects some are still suffering because of it.

But let me give it to you from my perspective.

My perspective as a woman living with depression.

I need hope. I need to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I need to know there is going to be a brighter tomorrow.

These things are not just a wish - they are essential to my very survival.

And while everyone knows that 500,000 lives were lost in the United States to this pandemic - did you also learn the facts of the increased deaths to suicide? Or drug overdoses?

Calls to Suicide Hotlines have increased by 400%. 400%!! Take a moment to let that one sink in.

For those of us living with a mental illness, we know all too well the doom and gloom of this pandemic. It is nothing new to us. Pandemic or no pandemic - we live it every day.

So please - and I am saying this from a place of love - please keep your negativity to yourself. Or better yet - just scroll right on by.

Posting the good news does not detract from the loss many have suffered. But it just might help save a life today.

​Because some of us need the hope.
Our very lives may depend on it.

As I type this, our state of Illinois is going into week 2 of our "Shelter in Place" order while the President has issued a continued partial shut down and social distancing until at least April 30.

Disney has closed.    Hotels are closing.    Las Vegas has shut down.    Even churches are being forced to close.     It is all like a bad dream and I am trying to wake up.

I have struggled with what to write about this entire situation because, honestly, I just don't know how I feel right now.       My emotions are all over the place.

I felt anger.   Sadness.    And grief.     

But then I became convicted by my own selfishness.

You see, my anger was because just when the economy was thriving and my small business was starting to boom, the entire country was shut down and the future became suddenly unclear.

My sadness was because I had to cancel my upcoming trips to New York and Disneyworld.   In fact, I cancelled every trip planned for this year.

And my grief was because I was looking at a future full of change and I don't adapt to change very well.

Every Single Emotion was about me.    

And suddenly, I became convicted.  

This crisis is not about me and my small little world.     It affects us all.       And it is bigger than all of us.

I had to turn off the news and stop looking at Social Media because the hopelessness displayed was too much for my brain to handle.    

The situation may seem hopeless but we are never without hope!

It is okay to be sad.     We will even experience signs of grief as we make our way through this new sense of normal.     It is even okay to be selfish - for just a moment - as you work through the emotions.

Take a moment to cry.     Scream.    Whatever you need to do.      

BUT THEN...…. PUSH FORWARD!    

This entire situation has reset my brain.    And for good.    

I was spending my days always concentrating on tomorrow and what the future held while forgetting to just simply enjoy today.      We are not promised tomorrow so wasting even one moment of today is like throwing your blessings away.

I have been running down the same crazy pathway claiming to be so "busy" with all my busy work and forgetting about the things that are truly important.

I pray daily for a healing for our country and for a quick vaccine for this illness that has contributed to so many deaths across the world.      We may never know the real numbers of those affected by this disease but now is not the time to be pointing fingers or picking fights.

For whatever reason, we are being forced to take a break and reset our lives.    I don't know the reason why.    Maybe God - like any loving parent - is giving us a time out until we can learn to behave.   

We now have two choices to make.      We either become better or we become worse.      I pray it is not the latter.

It took a few weeks of being in mourning and feeling completely sorry for myself but now I get it.    I don't know what God is trying to tell you but for me, it was WAKE UP.     Stop being selfish!!    And start living your life!

I thought I was living my life.    But I wasn't.    I was always planning for the future without ever truly stopping to enjoy each moment that was presented to me during the day.      

I love to travel.    It is the entire reason I work so many hours.   But I cancelled every single trip I had planned for this year and I thought I would be sad.      And I guess I was in the beginning.

But faced with my own mortality, I realized just how non-important those trips really were.     And, if I am being honest, how truly non-important most of my "busy" work truly was.

Our country is facing a crisis like we have not seen for many generations but we are strong and resilient and we will prevail!

I just wanted to share my own very raw emotions because during these uncertain times, you need to understand now more than ever that you are not alone!

It is okay to not be okay.      We are in this together!   We will make it through!    

Sometimes you just need to shut off the noise of the world and listen to that still small voice!
   

Well, we did it.  

We survived another year.     Another decade even.

I am not really one for New Year's Resolutions because I find they just add more stress to my already crazy life so I think of them more as goals and aspirations for my daily life.

I do, however, typically take time to reflect on my life during this "new beginning" and the reflection I am seeing right now is one of letting go.

Letting go of past hurts.

Letting go of past failures.

Letting go of bitterness and unforgiveness.

And letting go of people who have already let go of me.

Let me explain.     I spent so many years of my life as a "people pleaser".     Always wanting to "fit in".   So worried if someone was upset with me and always trying to make other people happy.     

The problem was - I wasted so much time and energy trying to please other people that I forgot how to take care of myself.      And so I lost myself in the process.    

Maybe it is my age talking (I am not old by any means, just "mature") - but I have finally stopped trying to be a people pleaser and started trying to take care of me.     That has been a tough one for me.   I am a nurturer by nature so taking time for me seems a selfish act.    But I have discovered that NOT taking time for me was actually doing more harm than good because I was left with little energy for those close to me.

I also made the decision to no longer waste time and energy on those who have no time for me.     I do not mean that to sound harsh.    Just being honest here.     
 
I am 51 years old.    I have no time for games.      You either love me or you hate me but don't pretend either way.       I would never do anything intentionally to hurt someone, however, I also am a very direct person so I apologize in advance if my honesty offends you.     

But this is the truth.    If you love me, then be my friend.    Support me.   Trust me.   Have faith in me.

If you hate me, then walk away.     Don't say a word.    Don't let my name cross your lips.

The worse thing you can do is pretend to love me and then spite my name in private.

Not everyone is going to be your cup of tea and that is okay.     Some people just don't mix well together.  Doesn't mean we have to hate one another.    Respect goes a long way.    

It's a New Year!    Time for New Beginnings!