I was reminded today of a time before my dad died that still haunts my memory.

My dad passed away in 2004 and he had probably been sick for 6-7 years prior to that with Cushings Disease, diabetes and what we later learned to be lung cancer.      My dad was a prideful man.    We only learned bits and pieces of his illness because he had sworn his doctors to secrecy.    In fact, I only learned of his cancer diagnosis on the day he was removed from life support when the chaplain said a prayer with me but that's a story for another day.

This particular day was a bright sunny day during the summer months when my kids were young.  We were getting ready to list our home and had been needing to stain the back deck for some time.   My husband and I both worked full time jobs so finding the time to complete odd jobs around the house wasn't easy.    

So this particular day we awoke early and gathered all of our supplies to get the back deck stained.   We were on a deadline to get the house listed so this deck had to get stained TODAY!!    We had just started on the staining of the deck when I heard a car pull into the driveway.    Strange - I thought.   I wasn't expecting anyone today because, you know, we were busy staining the back deck.    And noone had called to say they needed to stop by because - again - I would have told them we were busy staining the back deck.

Not wanting to stop with my mission of getting this deck stained, I hollered "around back" to whomever had pulled in thinking it was most likely a delivery person and we could get this done rather quickly so I could get back to the task at hand.

I looked up just in time to see two individuals turning the corner of my house.    It was my mom and dad.  Now my first thought should have been how odd it was for them to show up unannounced but I was so busy concentrating on that deck that I didn't give it another thought.

In fact, I didn't think at all.    I just went with my first instinct which was frustration over the fact that they didn't call first AND I was staining a deck!     I didn't stop what I was doing.    Nope.    If they didn't have the decency to call first and let me know they were coming over, then I certainly wasn't going to stop what I was doing and have a visit with them.     

And I told them that (told ya I wasn't thinking at all).     I told them I was extremely busy staining this deck and had absolutely no time to visit with them.     A simple phone call would have saved them a trip.    I told them it was probably best to go back home and we could make a time to visit later.

But they didn't go home.     Nope.     My dad grabbed a few chairs from his car and plopped them down right in front of that deck.     And there they sat.    Watching us stain the back deck.

I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I was furious in that moment.   How could they have no respect for MY TIME on the ONLY DAY I had available to stain this back deck?    I didn't have time to visit with them.  In fact, they were disruptive to my routine.    

But none of that mattered to them.    And so they stayed.    And watched us for an entire afternoon as we stained the back deck.       And I fumed under my breath for this extreme inconvenience to my time.

Why am I sharing this with you?    Well, besides the OBVIOUS reason of admitting what a selfish idiot I could be in my younger days (not gonna lie - still struggle sometimes).     

I am sharing this with you because I believe it was in that moment that my father first realized that he was going to die.  And all he wanted to do was spend some time with his daughter and his grandchildren.       

But my father was prideful, remember?    He couldn't share that information with me because in his eyes that would make him look weak.      He also did not want to chance being told no to the visit had he called ahead to let me know he wanted to come over.

So he just drove over.   And watched me stain a deck.

I am reminded of that day so many times in my life.    All my dad wanted was a few moments with his family.     But I was too busy to allow that to happen.       I guess it was a good thing he was so stubborn because those moments he stole from my day have now become one of my most cherished (yet painful) memories.

I would give anything right now to have him sit in his lawn chair and watch me do anything.    Stain a deck.  Do the laundry.    Clean the yard.     I wouldn't care.     I had no idea in that moment how much that day would come to mean to me.

Since his death, I have had to deal with a lot of emotions and grief was only the beginning.    The regret and anger filled my head so hard that I felt my head was going to explode.   I felt such sadness remembering that day for so long because I was selfish.    And childish.     And I was only thinking about me and never once considered what my dad was feeling.   Or thinking.    

In that moment, he knew his days were numbered.   He was facing his own mortality and he hadn't even turned 59 yet.

I still get emotional when I think about that day and although it gets easier as time goes by, I still cannot stop the regret that often fills my head.     

The world would not have come to an end if I had chosen to stop what I was doing and take the time to visit with my dad.     He was dealing with a lot of emotions during that time and maybe this was a release from reality for him for just a little bit.

It is never easy dealing with loved ones and it can be especially difficult to deal with parents.    My dad never wanted to show that he was weak.   He always needed to be the man in control.   He didn't share his emotions very well but in that one moment when he grabbed his lawn chair and just watched us work,  I think - in his way - he was letting me know he cared.     He wanted me to know that he was vested in me even in the smallest events.

It was never about watching me stain the deck.    He just wanted to spend time with me.    Would I have reacted differently had I known at the time that he was dying?   Probably.  And that's exactly why he didn't tell me.     My dad always said "don't bring me flowers when I'm dead if you didn't bring them when I was alive".      I think he had the same philosophy on this occasion as well. 

Life is short.
We never know what day will be our last.
Love with your full heart. 
Live with no regret!

And when someone pulls up a chair to watch you work, take the time to understand that it was never about staining the deck!       

I was having a conversation with a woman the other day who understood my strong faith in God.  She knew my history.   She knew my story.

We were discussing faith and prayer.    I was sharing my belief in God and my relationship with our Savior Jesus Christ just as I had shared with her on so many occasions in the past.

Suddenly she looked at me and said "I don't believe in organized religion".     Now I don't know if she was trying to get me to shut up (because quite frankly I do tend to talk a lot) or if she was just in the mood to start an argument.     But I am fairly certain the answer I gave her was not quite what she expected.

My response was quick and simple.    "Good - neither do I"

I am a child of God.    A born again Christian faithful to the word of God.  

Yet I despise "organized religion".    Okay.   Maybe "despise" is too harsh a term but you get my point.

"Organized religion" is what gives Christians a bad name.
"Organized religion" has divided more people than it has brought together.
And more wars have been started in the name of "Organized religion" than I care to count.

 Now before any religious zealots begin to call me blasphemous - allow me to explain.

I believe the Bible to be true.     I believe that Jesus walked this Earth in human form and I believe there is a God in Heaven who we will all answer to when we die.

But I also believe there are individuals on this Earth who seek their own gratification in the name of Jesus Christ and this is especially true when we discuss women in the church (oh, yes, we are going there).

I find it interesting that some churches still to this day do not allow women to preach.   Some do not even allow them to speak at all.       Yet if those same church leaders studied the Bible at all (as they profess to do) they would read countless accounts where Jesus used ......what for it.......WOMEN.... to help spread the gospel.         

Since the dawn of time and certainly since the Bible was written,  individuals have twisted the word of God to suit their own greedy ambitions.       Jesus walked among lepers and prostitutes yet churches shut their doors to those individuals truly in need.       Jesus treated men and women EQUALLY yet churches still shut out women who have been anointed to preach the Gospel.

I.  Do.  Not.   Care.  About.   Religion.

But I do care about having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.    Can we just set aside the whole "religiousity" thing for a minute and just talk about Jesus?     Can we talk about being in the depths of depression and feeling His loving arms wrapped around me during my darkest hours?   Can we talk about being a young girl of 13 who had just been molested by my great-grandfather and seeing the presence of Jesus at my bedside as I begged to die?     

Those aren't images of religion.    Religion didn't stop me from committing suicide (twice).    Religion didn't save my life.     But my personal relationship with Jesus Christ did.    

Can I just tell you right now that if you are struggling with "religion" - it's okay.     Know what else?  It's even okay to question God and the Bible.     God has big shoulders (they span the entire universe) - He can handle your questions.    In fact, I believe He welcomes your questions.

Don't let the sins of man stop you from having a relationship with Jesus Christ.    He will find you exactly where you are.      He has found me in my car.    At my bedside.   Even at my father's grave.   And every single time - He has never asked what religion I practice.     He just held me.   And loved me.    And let me know that everything was going to be okay.  

There will always be people in this world who will let you down.   Sometimes they are even the people closest to you.     But Jesus will NEVER let you down.   

So when I tell you that I am a Christian - please don't call me religious.    Because "religion" is what got Jesus crucified in the first place.

I am a Child of God.    A Lover of people.     ALL PEOPLE.    

We are all struggling with our faith right now and that is okay.    God understands.   He is a big God. 
Take your doubts and struggles to Him.    Scream at Him if you like.     I know I have.    I have questioned God's intentions so many times and convinced myself on numerous occasions that MY WAY was certainly the better way.   (SPOILER ALERT - IT WAS NOT).   

There is No perfect Christian.    There is No perfect religion.      There are just children of God working to do the best that we  can.    And sometimes the best we can do is simply pray.     If you don't know how to pray - start by talking to God.      He welcomes your thoughts and your fears.    You don't even have to speak in complete sentences.    There have been many times when my prayers sounded more like indistinct chatter but God knew my heart.    And He knew what I needed.

If you are struggling in your faith right now, it's okay.    God sees you.    And He will be ready for you when you are.    He will meet you right where you are.     All you have to do is ask.

As we enter into a new phase of this pandemic, I would like to ask a favor of all my friends.

When you see someone posting with joy and excitement that the mask mandates have been lifted or the social distancing has been removed or capacity is at 100% - please refrain from posting a negative comment reminding them of all the people who have died or accusing them of being selfish or uncaring.

Unless you have been living under a rock for the past year - we are all very much aware of the lives lost to this pandemic or the long term effects some are still suffering because of it.

But let me give it to you from my perspective.

My perspective as a woman living with depression.

I need hope. I need to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I need to know there is going to be a brighter tomorrow.

These things are not just a wish - they are essential to my very survival.

And while everyone knows that 500,000 lives were lost in the United States to this pandemic - did you also learn the facts of the increased deaths to suicide? Or drug overdoses?

Calls to Suicide Hotlines have increased by 400%. 400%!! Take a moment to let that one sink in.

For those of us living with a mental illness, we know all too well the doom and gloom of this pandemic. It is nothing new to us. Pandemic or no pandemic - we live it every day.

So please - and I am saying this from a place of love - please keep your negativity to yourself. Or better yet - just scroll right on by.

Posting the good news does not detract from the loss many have suffered. But it just might help save a life today.

​Because some of us need the hope.
Our very lives may depend on it.

As I type this, our state of Illinois is going into week 2 of our "Shelter in Place" order while the President has issued a continued partial shut down and social distancing until at least April 30.

Disney has closed.    Hotels are closing.    Las Vegas has shut down.    Even churches are being forced to close.     It is all like a bad dream and I am trying to wake up.

I have struggled with what to write about this entire situation because, honestly, I just don't know how I feel right now.       My emotions are all over the place.

I felt anger.   Sadness.    And grief.     

But then I became convicted by my own selfishness.

You see, my anger was because just when the economy was thriving and my small business was starting to boom, the entire country was shut down and the future became suddenly unclear.

My sadness was because I had to cancel my upcoming trips to New York and Disneyworld.   In fact, I cancelled every trip planned for this year.

And my grief was because I was looking at a future full of change and I don't adapt to change very well.

Every Single Emotion was about me.    

And suddenly, I became convicted.  

This crisis is not about me and my small little world.     It affects us all.       And it is bigger than all of us.

I had to turn off the news and stop looking at Social Media because the hopelessness displayed was too much for my brain to handle.    

The situation may seem hopeless but we are never without hope!

It is okay to be sad.     We will even experience signs of grief as we make our way through this new sense of normal.     It is even okay to be selfish - for just a moment - as you work through the emotions.

Take a moment to cry.     Scream.    Whatever you need to do.      

BUT THEN...…. PUSH FORWARD!    

This entire situation has reset my brain.    And for good.    

I was spending my days always concentrating on tomorrow and what the future held while forgetting to just simply enjoy today.      We are not promised tomorrow so wasting even one moment of today is like throwing your blessings away.

I have been running down the same crazy pathway claiming to be so "busy" with all my busy work and forgetting about the things that are truly important.

I pray daily for a healing for our country and for a quick vaccine for this illness that has contributed to so many deaths across the world.      We may never know the real numbers of those affected by this disease but now is not the time to be pointing fingers or picking fights.

For whatever reason, we are being forced to take a break and reset our lives.    I don't know the reason why.    Maybe God - like any loving parent - is giving us a time out until we can learn to behave.   

We now have two choices to make.      We either become better or we become worse.      I pray it is not the latter.

It took a few weeks of being in mourning and feeling completely sorry for myself but now I get it.    I don't know what God is trying to tell you but for me, it was WAKE UP.     Stop being selfish!!    And start living your life!

I thought I was living my life.    But I wasn't.    I was always planning for the future without ever truly stopping to enjoy each moment that was presented to me during the day.      

I love to travel.    It is the entire reason I work so many hours.   But I cancelled every single trip I had planned for this year and I thought I would be sad.      And I guess I was in the beginning.

But faced with my own mortality, I realized just how non-important those trips really were.     And, if I am being honest, how truly non-important most of my "busy" work truly was.

Our country is facing a crisis like we have not seen for many generations but we are strong and resilient and we will prevail!

I just wanted to share my own very raw emotions because during these uncertain times, you need to understand now more than ever that you are not alone!

It is okay to not be okay.      We are in this together!   We will make it through!    

Sometimes you just need to shut off the noise of the world and listen to that still small voice!
   

Well, we did it.  

We survived another year.     Another decade even.

I am not really one for New Year's Resolutions because I find they just add more stress to my already crazy life so I think of them more as goals and aspirations for my daily life.

I do, however, typically take time to reflect on my life during this "new beginning" and the reflection I am seeing right now is one of letting go.

Letting go of past hurts.

Letting go of past failures.

Letting go of bitterness and unforgiveness.

And letting go of people who have already let go of me.

Let me explain.     I spent so many years of my life as a "people pleaser".     Always wanting to "fit in".   So worried if someone was upset with me and always trying to make other people happy.     

The problem was - I wasted so much time and energy trying to please other people that I forgot how to take care of myself.      And so I lost myself in the process.    

Maybe it is my age talking (I am not old by any means, just "mature") - but I have finally stopped trying to be a people pleaser and started trying to take care of me.     That has been a tough one for me.   I am a nurturer by nature so taking time for me seems a selfish act.    But I have discovered that NOT taking time for me was actually doing more harm than good because I was left with little energy for those close to me.

I also made the decision to no longer waste time and energy on those who have no time for me.     I do not mean that to sound harsh.    Just being honest here.     
 
I am 51 years old.    I have no time for games.      You either love me or you hate me but don't pretend either way.       I would never do anything intentionally to hurt someone, however, I also am a very direct person so I apologize in advance if my honesty offends you.     

But this is the truth.    If you love me, then be my friend.    Support me.   Trust me.   Have faith in me.

If you hate me, then walk away.     Don't say a word.    Don't let my name cross your lips.

The worse thing you can do is pretend to love me and then spite my name in private.

Not everyone is going to be your cup of tea and that is okay.     Some people just don't mix well together.  Doesn't mean we have to hate one another.    Respect goes a long way.    

It's a New Year!    Time for New Beginnings!

 I spent most of this morning in tears.       Not because anything was wrong.    But because something just wasn't right.

Maybe it was because we recently celebrated Father's Day and although my dad has been gone for almost 15 years,  I still miss him terribly.

Maybe it was because my daughter (who is also my best friend) just left on a 6 month travel adventure and I will not see her again until Christmas.

Or maybe it was because I read where a pageant friend just lost her dad suddenly over the weekend.   He was the same age as me.

Am I just facing my own mortality?    50 used to seem so far away but the reality is there are likely more days behind me than in front of me.       And between the hot flashes, night sweats and raging hormones - menopause has made herself known with a vengeance and she is not taking any prisoners!

I have been surrounded by this dark cloud for a few days but like the stubborn woman that I am, I chose not to reach out to anyone to talk.     Well, except my husband, who tries - bless his heart - but how do you deal with a crazy, irrational woman?    If he talks to me, I scream at him.    If he stays quiet, I scream at him.     Poor guy.     At least he loves me enough to remain patient and let me work through it.

I think the reality is that I have so many emotions bottled up inside that I'm not dealing with right now because I still have the need to be strong.     I don't like to cry.     I don't like to show emotion.    Oh, I love to LOVE on people.    I just don't like to show when I am truly hurting or in need.      So I tuck it all away and just smile and wave (Madagascar reference).    

Then on Friday I was speaking with a friend who began to share how she had just been in a "funk" for the past week or so.    I had not shared how I had been feeling so as she began to communicate her raw emotions, I immediately felt a connection and understanding.     In her words "nothing is wrong and I feel bad that I don't feel right".       

I get it.     We look at our lives and are so grateful for the things we have yet there are days when taking a shower is our greatest achievement.      I asked my friend why she didn't call or text when she was feeling that way and she said she didn't want to bother me.     Again, nothing was TRULY wrong, she said.   She just didn't feel right.

This morning after my tear fest, I called another friend of mine to discuss an upcoming trip we are taking together.    Again, I had not shared anything about how I had been feeling with her but as she started talking, I could immediately sense something was not right.     She began to share that everything was okay - but everything was not okay.    She had spent the past few days in and out of tears as she struggled to grasp her emotions.        She continued to share that she just didn't feel right emotionally and was reaching out for help.     I asked why she hadn't called me when she was feeling so bad.   Her answer was the same as my other friend - "I didn't want to bother you."

My answer to both of them was the same -   BOTHER ME!!    If you fell and broke your leg, you would bother somebody to help drive you to the doctor.      You wouldn't think twice about it.    Then why do we think twice when dealing with our emotional health?

Ladies - and I speak to the ladies now only because we tend to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders - it is time to start bothering each other and lifting each other up.     

We should not be concerned with reaching out to one another when we just are not feeling right.   It's okay to not be okay.     Your world can seem perfectly perfect yet you can still feel lost and alone.   That doesn't make you weak.    That doesn't make you any less powerful as a person.   

I get it.     I am the first person to not ask for help.     And one of the most stubborn people you will most likely ever meet.      I could have called either of my two friends last week when I started feeling bad and we could have worked through it together.     But like them, I didn't want to be a bother.    Everybody has their own problems - I surmised - so I will just deal with this on my own.

Here is the thing - sometimes you just can't.     Sometimes you just need someone to talk to.    And it doesn't have to be a long conversation.     We aren't trying to save the world here - we are just looking for a little comfort as we navigate through this crazy thing called life.

I don't have all the answers.     Half the time I don't even know the question.     But when life gets you down, BOTHER ME!      Send me a text if you just cannot talk.     Or call me if you need someone to listen.  

Find someone to be your "Bother Me Buddy".     Someone who is there for you.   Not judging you.   Not trying to "fix it".     Just someone who will listen and understand.    

Social media has made us all "friends" yet true human interaction has fallen by the wayside.    Don't be afraid to bother one another when things just don't feel right.     I get it - life gets busy and we get consumed sometimes with our own lives.    Guilty as charged.     As I sit here writing this, I can think of numerous occasions where I wasn't as available as I should have been but it doesn't take much to brighten someone's day.  

Mental Health needs discussed as much (or possibly more) as all the physical ailments our bodies often endure.       If our brain isn't right, nothing else feels right.

As we begin to reach out to one another and share our thoughts and emotions, we begin to realize that we are truly not alone.    There is actually something comforting about knowing someone else is going through the same thing and we don't have to fight this battle on our own.

You don't have to go through this alone!     Let's start bothering one another!

The abortion debate is not an easy topic to discuss because there is passion for the issue on both sides of the aisle.     I am not here to debate.    I am not here to judge.   I am simply here to share my thoughts and opinions on the subject.     I just want you to understand why I believe the way I do.

Everyone wants their voice to be heard when it comes to this subject but who will speak for the innocent?   You see,  I believe that life begins at conception and because of that, the very act of abortion becomes an issue of morality.       We have our choices to make as viable adults.    But what choice does that beautiful baby have in the decision to live or die?

I believe our choice as humans must come in the form of compassion.     Those lacking compassion will try to make you believe that those tiny little cells coming together in the most perfect and intricate ways are simply jumbled masses of matter that mean nothing in the pathway to life.    But nothing could be further from the truth.      We know from scientific evidence that babies begin forming in the womb very early on and can even sense and respond to things outside of the womb.        

Now let me speak directly to the women reading this because I know what some of you are saying right now.    But Terri, it's my body.    It's my choice.      No one has a right to tell me what I can or cannot do with my body.

Hey, I get it.    I really do.     Because I felt exactly the same way. 

I was raised to be a strong, independent woman and with that independence also came a little bit of arrogance.    I believed, as I still do, that men and women should be treated equally and given the same opportunities for success.   I also believed that, as a woman, no man (or woman) had any right to tell me what I could do with my own body.      

In fact,  I was so passionate about the subject that I wrote an article about a woman's right to choose that was published in my High School Newspaper.       I remember writing at the time that we lived in a country where choice was our freedom and to impose your belief's on someone else would be a direct violation of our given freedoms.      I was passionate.     I gave every argument for the right to choose and wrote eloquently and efficiently why we needed the government to stay out of our reproductive rights.    (Sound familiar?   Keep in mind - this was back in the late 1980's).  

I held that belief for many years after high school and even into my mid-twenties.   

And then - something changed.      Something drastically changed.

At the age of 25, after 5 years of marriage, my husband and I decided to start a family.     So I stopped taking the Pill (you know, that one way to PREVENT pregnancy) and waited for the news of my pregnancy.   And waited.    And waited.     

We waited for months but the news of a pregnancy never came.     I think I cornered the market on pregnancy tests during that time as we anxiously waited for that precious life to begin.    But months went by and still nothing.      Almost a year had passed when my doctor finally prescribed fertility drugs to "speed the process along".       And then it happened, we finally received a positive result on that little stick!     And that precious life began growing inside of me.

We had an ultrasound at 19 weeks and I remember seeing my baby girls little arms and legs and watching her perfect little heart beat.     She was a beautiful human being and I was so in love with her already.        My entire pregnancy was filled with new experiences and so much raw emotion as I watched this tiny human begin to  grow and thrive until she was finally ready to make her appearance into this world.      And she was perfect.      And all I could remember on that day was she was going to do great things in her lifetime and I had a small part in that  (well, my husband helped too, I guess).  

I think it was in that moment that it truly hit me.     THIS was what choice was about for me    As a woman, as a human being, I had a choice in this beautiful child's life and I could now watch her conquer the world.

Less than two years later, we would make the decision to add to our family and it was in that moment that I would experience the great loss of a child when I suffered a miscarriage with our second baby.  Although I only shared my body with that baby for less than 12 weeks, the pain was no less real.    I had already bonded with that little one and started dreaming of my daughter being a big sister and wondering if this baby would look like her.    There was a heartbeat.    There was a baby.    And now there was nothing.       Except a void in my heart.

God was good to us as He always is and blessed us with our amazing baby boy just a few months later and so our family was complete.       He was perfect.    And again, my husband and I had accomplished a miracle in this precious baby boy.    (And by the way, he looked exactly like his sister).

And so my thoughts and ideals began to change     I began to feel empowered.      Who else on this planet can create a Human Baby inside their body and nurture that child until he or she is ready to make their appearance?    What an amazing accomplishment!     We are women,  hear us roar!

I think too many times in the argument for or against abortion, the one part that gets forgotten is that beautiful little baby just waiting to see the world.      

Look - I understand the Pro-Choice argument.    I lived it for many years.     And I firmly believe that more needs to be done to provide affordable contraceptives so the choice can come earlier not later.       But I will also ask you to research completely Planned Parenthood and ask yourself why they so strongly push abortion over prevention?     Follow the money trail.     Do your own homework so you can make your own decision.        Seek out the facts.   

For me, the decision was easy.     One look at that ultrasound; one moment to see that little hand move.  There was life displayed on that computer monitor.    A beautiful, tiny, miraculous life waiting to take on the world.

Who are we to deny that life?    
        

I woke up today feeling just "blah".      No reason for it.     Although it was a little cloudy in my hometown, the sun was peeking through the clouds and at least it wasn't raining.      I certainly enjoyed seeing the sun     It has been a while for us as our area recovers from a very wet spring.

I stepped outside this morning onto the back deck and allowed the sun to warm my skin.    Vitamin D is good for the soul.     I guess I was hoping it would be a good cure for my melancholy mood.    It was not.

I began to ponder all the reasons why I was in this funky mood and could gather absolutely no reason that made sense to be in this funk.     

I was just not okay.      

I tried to get my mind off of myself for a while so I began scrolling through social media.    Well, that was a mistake!    Let me tell you - the worst thing you can do when you are feeling bad about yourself is to scroll through social media!     All the perfect people posting the perfect pictures of their perfect lives.   Ugh.    Enough to make me wanna puke.    Nobody's life is that perfect.

Wait?    What did I just say?    Nobody's life is that perfect.      And that's when it hit me.     No matter what you see or read on the news or online - nobody's life is perfect.

Sometimes life just sucks and it's okay not to be happy about it.

I get it.     We need to have a positive attitude about life and yes, that is very important.   In fact, a positive attitude can help completely change your circumstances.     But that is not what I am talking about here.

I am talking about the constant struggle to appear "okay" or in control of it all.     The incessant desire to appear in control and on top of it all.         I have that need.    I have that desire.    I am my father's daughter after all.      He raised me to be a strong, independent woman who took the bull by the horn's and was always in control.

Teaching your children to be strong and independent is great.     But teaching them how to ask for help is an even greater gift.           Show them how to stay in tune with their emotions and you've gifted them for life.   

You see, part of learning to understand my brain is knowing when to ask for help and when to relinquish control.          I felt so out of control and betrayed by things that happened in my childhood that keeping control of - well - everything - was my coping tool.        I needed to be strong and in control and I needed to always be okay.     To not be okay meant I was weak and there was no room for weakness in my world.    
So I learned to smile and wave and hide the true emotions lurking behind those teeth (I have a really huge smile).      But trying to hide the pain was exhausting and only made me fall deeper into that hole of continuing darkness.

And then, little by little, God chipped away at me and I began to realize that sometimes I am just not okay.     And that is okay.

Sometimes life just comes at you and it takes your breath away.      You try to smile and you try to be happy but sometimes it takes too much energy and so you just hide away.       But I am telling you that you do not have to hide away.     It's okay to not be okay.         

Stop trying to fit the mold that somebody else created.     That wasn't your mold anyway.     Understand that life isn't perfect and sometimes stuff just happens.        It's okay to take a breath for a moment and recover.     But then keep on fighting!

Give yourself permission to be human and let God do the rest!      




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Today I am taking a break from life.     And I am not going to feel guilty about it.

We have all been there.     Overwhelmed with work, family, responsibilities - a "to do" list that seems to grow bigger every time you mark something off as three more things are added.        Running our bodies on empty as we try to accomplish 30 hours worth of work and activities into each 24 hour day.

As women especially, we have an innate desire to handle it all.     Perhaps it is our God-given nature of being nurturers that keeps us focused on everyone around us without thinking even for a moment about ourselves.

I don't know at what point in my life I decided that it was up to me to save the world but I have always taken all the responsibility upon my shoulders with never a moment to ask for help.     I am the strong one (I told myself).      I am the one who can handle this (I can't).      I don't need any help (I do).

I was raised in a household where children were expected to be perfect and my parents offered no help in my pathway to growth.      There was no compassion.    No "I Love You's" in my household.    "Love" was earned by achieving things and acceptance was only given when I did things for them.    Then after a traumatic event in my early teens, I realized very early on that I was on my own as I navigated through this thing called life.       

And so it began.     At a very early age.        Working very hard to "achieve" things in my life while also working very hard to please others (that whole acceptance thing again).          Aspiring to be better is always a good thing.      Doing things for others is always a good thing.      But when you lose yourself in the process - things can go bad quickly.       And they did.    For me.

I was working so hard in my life to gain the favor of others and never disappoint anyone that I lost who I was in the process.     I was trying to handle EVERYTHING that life threw at me - by myself - and it almost cost me my life.      I was sinking fast but I was too afraid to ask for help.    In my warped perception, asking for help was a sign of weakness.     Strong people don't ask for help.     

Oh, but my friend, it is quite the opposite.    Strong people can only remain strong because they DO ask for help.       What I didn't understand then was my body and mind just needed a break sometimes.    But taking a break - for me - meant I couldn't handle the things life was throwing at me and I certainly didn't want to appear weak to anyone (I was - after all - my father's daughter).        So instead of asking for help or understanding - I did the only thing I knew how to do.    I ran away.

Yep.    That's right.     I didn't understand what was happening in my brain.    All I knew is I needed to get away or I would go crazy.      So instead of being rational and explaining to my husband that I needed some time away - I just - well - ran away.      Several times.    Never very far.     Usually just to the lake and always only for a few hours.    Once I had shed some tears and prayed a few prayers, I would pull myself together and go back home much to the relief of my husband.

Now my husband is a very understanding man.     All I would have had to say is I need some time alone and he would have been fine with that.      But asking for time alone somehow meant I could not handle everything in my life right now (again, warped perception).     Taking time for "me" was selfish (it's not).   But these were the thoughts that permeated through my brain and the reasons I spent so much time alone at the lake.   

Fast forward a few years and I have learned - finally - that it is okay to take some time and just recharge.   I have started to listen to my body and my brain and learn the signs when it's time to shut down for a while.     And that's what I do.       Whether that means curling up on the couch and binge watching my favorite shows or taking a girls trip and leaving the laptop at home - I have finally realized what it takes to maintain a healthy balance in my life.

But most importantly - I have started communicating that need to my husband or kids.    I mean, most of the time they already know I need some down time because I usually become quite a witch when I'm feeling overwhelmed but at least finally I am able to communicate that need to them without feeling guilty about it.

So today is a nothing kind of day.      My son and husband went fishing and I had planned to attend a yoga class with my daughter but I cancelled and just stayed home.     And I was honest with her and she understood.      

Today - I woke up feeling drained and exhausted so I listened to my body and just chose to rest.      

And I am still a strong woman because of it.