Now What?

Happy New Year!

I spent most of 2023 trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life and now that it is 2024 - I still have absolutely no idea.

I turned 55 in 2023.
I finally settled down into my "forever" home after moving over 25+ times in my 35 years of  marriage.
My son and daughter are healthy thriving adults who don't need me the way they used to when they were little.

So now I am faced with the proverbial question - now what?

I don't know if its the way I was raised or just my Type A personality but I always have the need to be "doing something".      

I will freely admit that sometimes that something was simply "busy" work and meant absolutely nothing but to me (at the time) - it meant I was doing something.

I don't deal well with idle time.
I am the first to admit that I have been a chronic workaholic but it truly was never about the money (although paying the bills is always nice).

For me - work meant I was worth something.
Work meant I was a productive member of society and gave me a sense of importance within my tiny insecure brain.

But I never let work interfere with my family or my job as a mom.

From the time I was little - all I wanted to be was a mom.
Perhaps because my mom was not a loving or nurturing person - I wanted to break that cycle and provide the kind of childhood to my children that I had only dreamed about.

I was always blessed with jobs that allowed me to work on my own schedule so I could be there when my kids needed me.

I was at every ball game.
I was at every school function.
I was President of the PTO.
I was President of the Booster Club.

My schedule was never my own and I was perfectly fine with that.
When I would get stressed out from all of it -  older parents would tell me to enjoy every moment because it would all be over in the blink of an eye.

And they were right.
I spent 24 years of my life chasing my two children around from grade school to high school and through college.
And then  - it was done.

In the blink of an eye - my babies who I had prayed for and yearned for were suddenly adults and living their own great lives.

Which brings me back to my original question - now what?

I remember when they were little and I was feeling lost and overwhelmed - I would say "I cannot wait until they are grown and out of the house so I can finally have some time to myself".

Now I have all the time in the world...........and I have absolutely NO IDEA what to do with myself!

For so many years I was Momma Karch to my kids friends.
Our house was "THE" house where all the kids would gather and just chill.
I never felt quite like an adult myself so I loved to just chill with the kids and allow them the freedom to just be themselves.

I loved being a mom to my kids and to their friends if they needed me.
I think I wrapped my entire identity in being the mom that my mom could never be. 

I wasn't perfect -  no parent is.
But my kids knew they were loved.
And they knew I would move Heaven and Earth to help them if they needed me.

So now what?

I finally have all of that time that I often wished for when they were kids but i cannot seem to get motivated to make any changes.

That is never more evident than the fact that I posted NOTHING on this blog in 2023.  

My passion is writing.
I have a strong desire to help others and share my story in a very open and honest way.

I needed someone in my life when I was dealing with my darkest moments to tell me it was going to be okay and I was not alone. 
I want to be that someone to someone else who is suffering right now.

But the truth is my extreme insecurity has stopped me from sharing most of what I am feeling.

And then there are the feelings of guilt.
As a mom - should I be entitled to my own life?
What if my kids need me and I am not there?

I mean, I am 55 years old and my kids are grown adults.
But I invested my entire life into being the mom they needed - how can I just let that go?

I know what I am supposed to be doing - its getting the motivation to make it happen that seems to stop me.

And the constant fear of failure.

I was never allowed to experience failure when I was a child.
Love was only shown when I achieved something so I learned very early in life that failure was never an option.

How ridiculous is that?
Where would we be if Benjamin Franklin had given up on his first attempt?

EVERY success story has a story of failed attempts as well.
Even science works on the premises of DISPROVING a hypothesis.

So as we enter 2024 - I am not setting any "Resolutions".

I have no idea where life is going to take me.

I just know it is time to overcome my fear and step out on faith.

So what if I fail?

Not trying is certainly not helping my mental health at this time.

My life has become stagnant and luke warm.
And we all know what the Bible has to say about being luke warm.

Call it a mid life crisis but I feel it is more about figuring out how to navigate this new stage of my life.

I love my life.
I love my babies.
I love my husband.

Now I just need to learn to love me.      
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